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Post by Vince Caine on Sept 25, 2006 23:11:21 GMT
Great story so far.*thumbs up*
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Post by IMNB on Sept 25, 2006 23:24:02 GMT
Oh, come on. That's not constructive criticism! I really want Annie or Kaila to post again... *hinthintnudgenudge*
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Post by encryptedcookie on Sept 26, 2006 21:51:00 GMT
Sorry about that. I got stuck writing a 4000 word essay for school and now I've been neglecting you. The one good thing that came from it is that I kind of get to look at the whole thing with fresh eyes. The description of the gardens is wonderful. My only issue is that now that you've added it in it draws out the flashback for rather a long time. Maybe its just me who got a bit confused about the time line. You could make it so the story starts with him walking through the gardens, then go to the flashback of him sneaking in, then him arriving at the concert and getting the text message. Of course this is only a suggestion because the opening paragraph of a story is very important and you might want to stick with the excitement of the concert to help draw the readers in. I was just thinking that maybe by rearranging things it would help clear up the time line and the description of the gardens is a good way to set the scene. I noticed a typo. Should be spent not 'pent' in the sentence quoted below. The three of them pent a lot of time just chilling at someone’s house. Rick and Bella both like going to Dmitri’s house the most though. Apart from that. The game Bella and Rick play is sweet and helps cement their relationship. The second chapter has quite a lot of detail to absorb and is very dialogue based. Perhaps you could help break it up with a few actions, like Rick getting up and pacing as he listens to the story. Or changes in facial expression. They can also help to convey Ricks feeling about the whole thing which doesn't always come across that clearly. Does he feel hurt that Bella and Dmitri, his best friend and girlfriend, kept something so big from him? That kind of thing. Finally there's quite a lot of information to absorb. Make sure over the next few chapters you repeat it to help reinforce it. Still think it's excellent though and I look forward to reading more.
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Post by IMNB on Sept 27, 2006 1:03:28 GMT
yay! you posted! Ok, I don't think I'll rework it right now, I cant be bothered. Moving around is a good idea. No, Rick doesn't really mind that they've kept it from him. He's to absorbed in their story and what they are telling him. I suppose i should add in that it is a very important thing for them to keep a secret, and that he respex that. (heehee, sorry about respex...) I'll fix the typo now. Hope you don't min, I like the flashback. Adds depth and time to a story. I will keep it, unless someone points out like, three ridiculously unarguable reasons why I should. because you got confused is a good reason, but one person saying that does not give me enough reasons t change the opening scene. Please respect that.
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Post by encryptedcookie on Sept 27, 2006 15:17:19 GMT
That's fine, you should know by now that I can get confused quite easily... I'll read it through again when you update it and see it I'm still confused, it was probably just because I was going through it at 10.30 at night.
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Post by Trevel on Sept 28, 2006 17:25:18 GMT
‘Well, mostly because you are fit, strong, smart, and we are running out of agents, so Ms Bjorn just said that we should find another person, so we suggested you,’ said Dmitri. ‘If you join the YID, which comes as a term of participating in this mission, there would only be 12 of us. Though the best number for this mission would be five, so perhaps there will end up being 13.’I don't understand the bit about the amount of agent and stuff. It might just be me but i don't get what it means! I really like it otherwise but I think the fact that they saved stuff like the Eiffel tower and other major things is a bit much. Maybe if they managed a few more low key missions that weren't so big.
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Post by encryptedcookie on Sept 28, 2006 20:03:10 GMT
Maybe you could tidy up that explanation a bit because its not certain which numbers refer to what... Although I have to admit I followed it with little trouble. I'll attempt to explain: If Rick decides to go on this mission he will have to join YID. That will mean there are 12 YID agents all together. For this mission the number of agents needed is 5 so they might have to recruit 1 more agent.
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Post by Trevel on Sept 29, 2006 16:40:54 GMT
Ok I get that now...but why would they need an extra person if they only needed five for this mission?
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Post by IMNB on Oct 6, 2006 0:44:49 GMT
No, they do get a new recruit as well. She comes in later, her name is Elissa Lammere. I'm not up to that yet... Sorry I haven't changed it, I've been on holiday for a week.
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